Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Posted by: Dr. Alan Zimmerman
"The purpose of a relationship is not to have another who might complete
you, but to have another with whom you might share your completeness."
Donald Walsch, author of "Conversations with God"
Zimmerman's Personal Commentary:
If you were asked to
write down your secrets for others to see, what would you write down? That was
the question asked by the Counseling Center at the University of
Minnesota--Crookston where I was speaking a few weeks ago. In fact, they've
dedicated a whole wall where students and passerbys can post their secrets. I
found them fascinating, amusing, and sometimes painful.
There were dozens of "secret" cards on the wall. I wrote down a few
of them. Read through them and notice the common thread that runs through so
many of them. One person wrote, "I am scared on how my life is going to
turn out." Other comments included:
"It's been 13 years since my parents divorced, yet every day I blame
"I have a deep hatred for pink."
"I have an outie belly button and feel really self-conscious about
"Sometimes I feel like I don't fit in anywhere and that I am not wanted."
"Dove and pigeon taste just like chicken."
"Sometimes I miss the days where I would cut and carve my skin."
"I am afraid of clowns."
"The day my Mom dies, I don't think I'll cry."
"My mother is a prescription drug addict."
"Even though I'm in a relationship and have friends, I still feel
What struck me is the fact that so many of the "secrets" had
something to do with relationships, and most of their relationship comments
were negative. That's sad.
You see ... most people in our society are trained to do a job of some sort,
but almost no one is ever taught how to build good, healthy, productive
relationships with the people around them. And that's even more sad. But it
doesn't have to be that way. That's why one of my most requested keynotes and
seminars is on "The Partnership Payoff: 7 Keys To Better Relationships
And Greater Teamwork."
it out at DrZimmerman.com
By contrast, people often wonder what actually causes an unhealthy relationship
or an unproductive team. Of course, there are several things. That's why I
offer programs that go into much more detail, but you can be certain that these
are some of the causes.
And I'll tell you what ... you absolutely MUST NOT DO or CANNOT ALLOW if you
expect to have a team or even a personal relationship work well. Before I give
you those, please excuse the brief announcement below. I'm getting dozens of
people send me e-mails asking about the logistical details of my "Journey
to the Extraordinary" program coming to Boston on May 2-3, 2013.
So I'll answer those questions here, but MAKE SURE you continue to read about
the key Relationship Busters after this announcement.
Questions about Dr. Zimmerman's
"Journey to the Extraordinary" Program
UPCOMING DATES and TIMES:
Boston on May 2-3, 2013 (At the Hilton Logan Boston Airport. You can walk right
from your plane to your room.)
Program goes from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. on May 2. Program goes from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m.
on May 3.
Last "Journey" of 2013. Not scheduled yet. Most likely October in the
Here or call Aaron at 1-800-621-7881.
Your investment is $1297 per person. BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO PAY THAT MUCH -- if
you get on the ball. You can save $300 if you sign up now and get one of the
last Early-Early-Bird special discounts and pay only $997.
The entire program and your expenses may be tax deductible as educational
expenses. Check with your accountant.
If you need Continuing Education Units, the "Journey" qualifies as 16
hours of training for many professions. Check with your own association. You
will be given a certificate of completion at the end the "Journey."
MULTIPLE ATTENDEE DISCOUNT:
If 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 more people ... from the same organization ... attend a
JOURNEY together, overall tuition drops by as much as $3000.
EASY PAYMENT PLAN
Some of the people who attend Dr. Zimmerman's Journey program are sent by their
employers ... who pay the tuition. Other people pay their own way. But not
everyone has the same resources.
So if you'd like to attend the Journey ... but would prefer a four-month
payment schedule ... instead of paying the entire tuition at once ... that
option is available. Your credit card can be billed in four easy, equal,
You won't be disappointed with the Journey program. In fact, you'll be thrilled
with what you learn and the results you get. It will be one of the best
investments you will ever make in yourself, in your future, in your career, and
in your relationships.
But if you are not totally 100% satisfied with the program, I'll give you your
money back ... immediately ... with no hassles and no hard feelings whatsoever.
FREE LEARNING TOOLS:
Every attendee receives...
Pre-program consultation (valued at $240)
JOURNEY 160+ page manual (valued at $179.95)
Transformation tele-seminar CD (valued at $39.95)
10-week, post-JOURNEY reinforcement program (valued at $227)
One-on-one coaching from Dr. Zimmerman (valued at $649)
TO SIGN UP:
Here or call Aaron at 1-800-621-7881.
Getting back to the
relationship busters, some of the most destructive ones are the following.
1. A person who is an energy sucker instead of an energy
I always tell my audiences that everyone in the company makes it a better or
poorer place to work. No one is a neutral. You either add or subtract from the
overall energy and effectiveness of any team, organization, or family you
If you've got an energy sucker in the mix, he/she will obviously drain some of
the lifeblood out of the relationship. Mira Kirshenbaum writes about that in
her book, "Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay." She says 70% of our
total energy comes from the emotional aspects of life. It's the kind of energy
that manifests itself as hope, resilience, passion, fun, and enthusiasm. The
other 30% of our energy comes from the physical aspects of life and it
gradually runs down as we get older.
The good news is ... emotional energy is unlimited and can even be increased
... if you have the relational skills you need. And even if you don't have all
the skills you need right now, Kirshenbaum says the least you can do is NOT
give your precious emotional energy to people who continually drain you.
Lori Jonason, manager of Student Accounting and Transportation Services
at the award-winning Minnetonka School District, talked about one of her
life-changing, career-enhancing take-aways when she attended my "Journey
to the Extraordinary" program. She says, "Without a doubt, I
learned how to work with others and bring them along. On top of all that, I
left the program fully affirmed as an individual and totally filled with
leadership skills that I'm using to encourage others to live up to their
potential as well."
Right now, to all of you reading this "Tuesday Tip," I invite you to
attend my "Journey" program coming to Boston on May 2-3, 2013.
There's still time to get in on the Early, Early-Bird special pricing and even
cheaper prices when you register as a group.
2. A person who is much too self-centered.
Put a bunch of people like that together at work and you may have a group, a
department, a district, or a region, but you will NOT have a team. Put two
people like that together in a marriage and sooner or later, the only thing
those two people will have in common is the fact they happened to get married
on the same day.
People who are too selfish, too self-centered, too egocentric, and too me-me-me
oriented are mostly takers. They're not givers; so no wonder they become a
major source of relationship dysfunction or destruction.
Some of those people ... and I'm sure you can name several ... will even step
on others to get ahead. Oh, you might call them "ambitious," if
you're kind, but in truth they're nothing more than "greedy."
Unfortunately, our society sometimes rewards these overly ambitious people. Our
society revels in success stories. The rags to riches, Horatio Alger stories
are inspirational for all of us. But being too ambitious is almost seen as a
negative by your coworkers ... if you're on a team ... and by your followers
... if you're the leader.
Remember, there are two ways to get to the top. First, you can get there by
climbing over other people ... which almost always backfires for almost
everyone concerned. Or you can get to the top by being lifted up by other
people. In other words, your behavior is so likeable, respectable, and
competent that people just naturally want you to lead so they can follow.
Think of any great leader that you would gladly follow. I would guess that the
leaders who come to mind are "servant leaders." In other words,
instead of sitting at the top of the organizational pyramid and barking out
orders, they're out front supporting everyone else so they can do their very
best in their various jobs.
3. A person who is loose lipped.
You've all heard the TV commercial that says, "A mind is a terrible thing
to waste." In a similar sense, "The tongue is dangerous thing to
use." In fact, I would wager that more wars have started, more companies
have failed, and more relationships have ended because ... in part ... some
bad, wrong, ugly, hurtful, negative, disrespectful, and inappropriate things
have been said. Some of those things might have been uttered out of pure
innocent ignorance, others out of intentional malice, and still others out of
habitual gossip and jumping-to-conclusion behaviors.
NONE of it works ... ever. So STOP it! I don't care how right you are, how
justified you feel, or how good it feels to say certain things, relationships
are improved by the right words said the right way, even if those words are
sometimes confrontational. It's one more thing I teach in my two-day program,
the "Journey to the Extraordinary" coming to Boston on May 2-3, 2013.
It's one of the many take-aways Becky Moyer, the Facilities Manager at
Purdue University, got from her "Journey" attendance. She writes,
"I learned how to work with difficult people and more importantly how
to get them on board and all working toward a common goal. That was HUGE. So I
have to say GREAT program. It gave me the people skills for dealing with
situations with my family, friends, and my coworkers. And it gave me the tools
to live a more positive and rewarding life. What could be more important?"
Save money and get signed up now for the May 2-3, 2013 "Journey to the
Extraordinary" in Boston.
In terms of stopping the loose lipped people who destroy relationships and
reputations, I was amused by the way Frank handled it, although I am not
necessarily recommending his approach.
You see ... Mildred was the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of
everyone else's morals. So she kept sticking her nose into other people's
business. Several of the church members did not approve of her gossiping
behavior, but they feared her enough to maintain their silence.
One day, however, Mildred made a mistake when she accused Frank, a new church
member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of
the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank (and several
others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and
walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He simply said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's
house, walked home... and left it there all night.
That may or may not have gotten the gossiper to shut up. I simply recommend
asking yourself three questions before you talk about someone else ... or ask
somebody else these three questions before they start talking about someone
else. The questions are: 1) Is it true? 2) Is it necessary? 3) Is it kind? If
you can answer all three questions with "yes," then it's okay to
share. It won't be harmful gossip.
Finally, a relationship will bust if ...
4. A person is unsafe to be around.
You feel unsafe emotionally, physically, spiritually, or any other way. The
other person may come on strong and quickly, trying to force a relationship too
quickly, and once a relationship is formed, he easily becomes jealous.
Or she may try to "own" you as "her" friend and try to
isolate you from others. You don't feel emotionally safe. Healthy people don't
do that. They encourage each other to have friends outside your relationship or
outside your team.
Some people have tempers that scare you. Just for the record, if you're in a
long-term relationship, angry, controlling behavior isn't likely to change ...
and usually gets worse with time ... unless some re-education is sought and
applied. So be careful when you're standing next to an exploding person.
His/her explosion could destroy your peace of mind, scatter your professional
composure, and reduce your productivity. Again, you don't feel safe.
Still other people think it's okay to correct you in front of other people.
They may even use sarcasm ... which comes from the Greek word
"sarcasmos" which refers to tearing the flesh off of someone's body.
Again, it's never acceptable and always destructive of relationships. My friend
Steve Saffron talks about such behavior when he says "Ridicule is playing
with someone else's pain without their permission."
None of these four things have to happen, however, if you choose your
relationships carefully, and learn to take charge of yourself, the situation,
and the other person.
Which of the four relationship busters noted above gives you the greatest
difficulty? What are you going to do about it? Having a plan in mind before it
happens is always a good idea.
"Transforming the people side of business ... to help you get the payoffs
you want and need"
Dr. Alan Zimmerman
©2013 Reprinted with permission from Dr. Alan Zimmerman, a
full-time professional speaker who specializes in attitude, motivation, and
leadership programs that pay off. For more information on his programs ... or
to receive your own free subscription to the 'Tuesday Tip' ...click
here or call 800-621-7881.