Part 4 - What is Emotional Intelligence? Relationship Management
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Posted by: Dr. Alan Zimmerman
Dr. Zimmerman's TUESDAY TIP:
"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I
ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take
more than one night.'"
Charlie Brown, from the cartoon strip
Dr. Alan Zimmerman's Personal Commentary:
If you come from the
old school of business, if you take a traditional view of leadership and work
relationships, it's got to be very tough for you these days. You were taught to leave your emotions at the
door when you came to work.
Indeed, your motto
might be very much like Archie Bunker's famous line in the "All In The
Family" sitcom. Whenever anybody
showed too much emotion, or any emotion, Archie would shout out,
"Stifle! Stifle!" In other words, "Suck it up and shut
Yes, it's got to be
tough for you. Because all the research
on Emotional Intelligence says that is NOT the best way to approach your work
or your life ... if you want the best possible outcome. Indeed, you'll have a great deal more success
if you master the four elements of Emotional Intelligence (self-awareness,
self-management, social awareness, and relationship management) than you will
ever have by simply focusing on being intellectually smart or good at doing
In the last three
issues of my "Tuesday Tip," I discussed those first three
elements. But the fourth element of
Relationship Management may be the most important. After all, the driving purpose behind
Emotional Intelligence and life in general is to build strong, healthy,
effective relationships. So how do you
acquire true competence in Relationship Management? That's the very essence of the second day of
my "Journey to the Extraordinary" program. Click
here to read more about the Journey.
1. You need to move from having a
Traditionalist's outlook to having a High Performer's understanding of
thinks that emotions distract him, inhibit the flow of information, cloud his
judgment, and make him vulnerable. So he
believes that emotions have to be controlled.
Traditionalist mistakenly equates Emotional Intelligence with being weak,
submissive, and Pollyannish. He
mistakenly thinks he has to be super nice, overly polite, and sugar coat his
A High Performer
knows better. He knows that people do
not leave their emotions at home or at the door when they come to work. A High Performer knows ... that even though
many organizational cultures place a high value on intelligence devoid of
emotion ... that our emotions are often times more powerful than our
intellect. Emotions alert us to dangers
that are crucial to our personal, interpersonal, and organizational
A High Performer
understands that when people are angry, anxious, alienated, depressed, or have
any one of a number of negative emotions, their work suffers. They can't think as clearly, take in
information as fully, understand it as deeply, and respond as effectively as
when they're upset. So it's to his
advantage and everyone else's to cultivate as many positive feelings as
possible rather than ignore people's feelings.
A High Performer
understands that positive feelings motivate him and others, build trust,
increase confidence, and even speed up the analysis of data. There's a big upside when feelings are
understood and managed appropriately.
The best salespeople
will tell you the same thing. They will
openly admit that their success in sales requires the empathic ability to gauge
a customer’s mood so they can decide when to pitch a product and when to keep
quiet. And once they have made that
assessment, they choose the most appropriate interpersonal skills ... or
Relationship Management skills ... to pitch their product.
need to understand the components of Relationship Management.
Daniel Goleman, the
original researcher in the field of Emotional Intelligence used that
terminology. But don't confuse "management" with
"manipulation" or "control." That's not at all what he meant.
Management is all about your interpersonal communication skills. It's all about your ability to get the best
out of others ... your ability to inspire and influence them, your ability to
communicate and build bonds with them, and your ability to help them change, grow,
develop, and resolve conflict.
That's a tall order,
but fortunately those skills can be taught and learned. And to the extent you master those skills,
the more success you'll have in your relationships ... at work with your
employees, coworkers, teammates, and customers ... and at home with your
spouse, children, friends, and family.
Of course, it's not
enough to merely understand the components of Relationship Management. That's merely intellectual head stuff that
won't do you much good in the real world.
3. You need to keep on practicing the skills
of Relationship Management.
And there are lots
of them, some more important than others.
I think these skills are critical.
And my colleague, Art Sobczak, who is one of the most gifted sales
trainers in the world, describes some of those relationship skills with such
eloquence. In fact if you're in sales, I
would suggest you sign up for his newsletter clicking here.
Among other tips,
perception of a person’s IQ goes down a point every time they say "like
... ah ... um ... you guyses ... and ...
dude." It’s like, not professional,
and makes someone sound immature, ya’
know? Join Toastmasters or take another speaking course.
selfless, curious, and grateful. You will be surprised at how it comes back to
thank-you notes are not acceptable for most things worth thanking for. Get a
nice pen and your own stationery and lots of stamps. Yes, some people still use
regular mail. The very successful people.
whatever you want, ask yourself, "Who can give this to me? What do they want and care about? And how and what can I first do for
obsessively interested in other people. Ask questions. Find out how you can
help them. Follow up and stay in touch. Almost everything you achieve will be
the result of the people you meet and the relationships you form along the way.
ask for what you want. In all areas of your life. Do not wish, ask. Few things
will be outright given to you without you initiating it first. This alone can
make you millions of dollars and help you become happier than you imagined.
Trust me on this one.
of asking, you will remember the "yes" answers you hear and
eventually forget about the "no’s."
If you want to count anything, celebrate your attempts. The
"yeses" will come.
complete, undivided attention to every individual you communicate with. If
face-to-face, make eye contact. Listen as if your life depended on it. Don't
interrupt. Pause after you ask a question and after they answer. Ask another
related question. Don't shift the topic to yourself.
- When you
are in the presence of others, put the phone away and turn it off. Please.
Paying attention to the phone instead of the person in front of you is the
ultimate insult and makes you look like a self-absorbed fool.
five minutes early is on time. Showing up right on time or later is late. It
shows a lack of respect for the other person or people.
everyone you come in contact with as the most important person in the world.
You will be surprised who can actually buy from you and give you want you want.
You might also be surprised who can prevent you from that as well.
more often than you don't. You feel better, and others react to you more
Great advice. I'll just add one other point when it comes
to enhancing your Emotional Intelligence and Relationship Management
skills. Remember there are no Lone Rangers. As TV commentator Hugh Downs said, "To say my fate is not tied to your fate
is like saying, 'Your end of the boat is sinking.'"
connected. One little boy just couldn't
figure that out. As he was quizzing his
mother one day, "You say the stork brings babies?" he asked. "Yes," said his mother.
"And the Lord
gives us our daily bread?"
Claus brings us presents?"
then," the little boy frowned, "Why do we have to have Daddy?"
Everybody wants to
be happy and successful. That's a
given. You can wait around hoping that
happiness and success will fall in your lap, but chances are you'll wait a life
time. If you want to ensure your
happiness and success, get the Emotional Intelligence you need ... first ...
and just about everything else will fall into place.
Decide on three
Relationship Management skills you are going to focus on and improve this week.
I would love to hear
your comments and feedback. Join
About the author:
As a best-selling author and Hall of Fame professional speaker,
Dr. Alan Zimmerman is focused on "transforming the people side of
business.” His keynotes and seminars are noted for high content, high energy,
and high involvement that transform people's lives and the companies where they
Click here to learn more about his programs and
products, or to receive a free subscription to his weekly Internet newsletter.
Copyright© 2013 Zimmerman Communi-Care Network, Inc.
Reprinted with permission from Dr. Alan Zimmerman's Internet
newsletter, the 'Tuesday Tip.' For your own personal, free subscription to the
'Tuesday Tip' ... along with several other complimentary gifts, go to http://www.DrZimmerman.com.